Surprise lemon cake

I found a recipe on the internet,

A surprise lemon cake. You bet!

2 cups of sugar, 3 of flour

2 sticks of butter, a.k.a. a butter tower.

Third of a cup, the zest of a lemon,

Vanilla extract, straight form Yemen.

Baking powder, salt and a pinch of cyanide…

Wait what? What the hell is this guide?

Oh, so that’s the promised surprise.

An almond-y taste, a slightly bitter prize…

Hmm, my neighbor, he prefers bitter,

That one guy, the one who also likes to litter…

He always said we should talk sometime,

I hope he thinks the cake is sublime.

Pollinating

Ow! That was almost a liter of me!

It’s almost as if you weren’t really a bee

Pollinating my earlobes with good intent

But a neck-biting bloodsucker fresh from lent.

But I trust you Alucard, my dear friend,

You must be a bee with the way you ascend,

With a buzz of your two large leather wings,

Not really a buzz, hmm, funny things…

It was nice to see my friend once more,

But, boy oh boy, does my neck feel sore.

I’ll have to pay more mind to how I lie

Now when I nap, or as I try,

As I feel tired and just a bit faint,

Which makes me snore without a restraint.

Being pollinated takes its toll,

But I have to play my designated role.

Kicking it

That’s it, I decided I’ll finally quit,

I’ve had enough of living with this shit!

Now it’s gone, never to come back,

I’ll kick my addiction and get back on track.

I know I’ll never run out of resolve,

This is my chance to finally evolve,

Unload baggage that slows me down

Become the mayor of New Me Town!

After some days: “Maybe just once…

It’s not that bad, just do it you dunce!”

And I give in like the dumbass I am,

Addiction won again, oh yes ma’am.

Ain’t nothing like it to make me feel small,

Like I didn’t have any force of will at all.

I think… I think I’ll have to try again,

Be a bit stronger, maybe reach Zen.

Much too much mud cake

Vanilla and ordinary sugar and flour,

Some salt plus cocoa and baking powder.

Mix it all up, add oat milk and oil,

Melt down some chocolate, microwave it or boil.

In the metric system, almost 200 degrees,

For almost half an hour, patience please.

Also, you have to wait till it cools way down,

Burninating your tongue ain’t the best thing around,

With a cake right there it can be frustrating,

Especially with your sweet tooth beating, pulsating.

Be smart now, and sillier later,

Your portions can grow to be greater and greater:

I made a mud cake and now it hurts,

Ain’t much left of the best of my desserts.

I didn’t need to bother any chickens or cows,

But still, I have cake on my cheeks and brows.

Connected

I don’t think my brain is all connected.

Sensory input is not well directed.

Ice cream on my tongue and I hear punk,

Playing the guitar I feel all drunk.

Feeling the heat of my frying pan,

I saw a vision of my friend Stan.

It got disconnected, at least I think,

When I sat the pile of dishes in the sink.

The china had turned green,

Like a lean mean killing machine.

I stood there and stared at the sight,

I wanted to cook, now I’ll starve all night.

Fruit classification

“How about this one here?

Where would you place it, which one’s the tier?

It’s less red or green and a lot more yellow

But the shape it has is round and quite mellow.

So, which one is it, a banana or an apple?

Say what you think, don’t just let me grapple!”

 

My friend asked me with an orange in hand,

When did he stick his head in the sand?

 

“I don’t think you can say that it’s either,

It’s the wrong color and its taste is a breather.

And look, there’s loads of ones like this still here,

About one percent, if estimated by ear.

Let’s make a new class for this one right now,

Might be complex, but it’ll work out somehow.”

 

I could see one large vein start to throb,

As his brain had an unfamiliar, new job.

 

“Who ever heard of more classes than two?

I don’t know on what you base your strange view.

It’s always been only apples and bananas.

Time to get real from your Fata Morganas!”

 

“It’s clearly different, if you take a good look,

If I took time, I bet I could write a book!”

 

“That’s why I’m the boss and you’re the assistant.

I say it’s a banana, to keep this consistent!”

Black beans and onions

Black beans! And onions!

Black beans! And onions!

I have a frying pan and those two ingredients,

A rapeseed oil bottle brimming with its contents,

Salt and black pepper and a spatulaaaaa,

Plus a knife as sharp as the fang of Draculaaaa!

Chip-chap-chop makes the onions small,

But not so much you can’t see them at all.

The kitchen becomes my private pool,

The onions make me always a fool.

Drain the beans and wash them like a sweet baby,

Gently and well, with warm water maybe.

Sauté the onions in the heat of a dragon,

High time for me to get on the dragon bandwagon.

Stir with the beans and give the saltiest season,

Where they live, sweet water is treason!

Sprinkle enough pepper to give them coal lung,

So that you can taste it in the air on your tongue.

Make them dance with the spatulaic grace,

Put them on a plate and stuff your face.

If you burnt your tongue, points for the zeal,

And good luck tasting the rest of the meal.

Mayday Picnic

Mayday Picnic, my friend brought bread

The sun is out! I think the winter is dead!

We have grapes and mead and buns,

And loads of sunshine, tons and tons!

I think I burned my forehead again,

First burn of summer from my snoozing Zen!

Lying in the sun after over half a year,

Eating apples and carrots with beer.

Spread some olives and peppers of bell

On the rye bread and salivate like hell.

Somebody’s cold? Here, have a hug,

And this large-ish cocoa-mug.

That damn cloud brought the winter back,

May is the month of its “I’m back!” attack.

One day sun, next day sleet,

But now I’ll eat this chocolate treat.

There’s a small dog with a stick too big,

I can hear the birds as I take a swig.

Oh my, oh my, how I missed the sun,

And my friends, and the warmth they spun!

Giant carrots

Carrots from where I’m from are giants.

We always hear that from our clients.

One was as big as a baseball bat,

Shredded and used as a soft gym mat.

One was used as a telegraph pole.

It took a long while to unearth it whole.

The rabbits don’t bother us up here either,

With carrots so big, they must take a breather.

There’s a downside, though, to their great growth.

The trees around the patch and the bushes are both

Stunted to a sapling-level of height,

Even though the sunlight is quite bright.

Hold on for a moment, might it affect…

Maybe that’s why I’m small in every respect!

Short in stature as well as my temper

Can’t reach the high shelf, not a happy camper.

Maybe it’s the carrots that stole my gains,

That’s why I never had any growing pains.

Hmm, hmm and hmm once more,

We can’t just choose to walk out the door.

We can’t change how we make a living,

But we can move to where it’s a bit more forgiving.

One hill over into our old house,

Habited now by a flock of grouse.

We get to eat our giant carrots,

And grow to be bigger than very large parrots.

Lazy fame

I’m quite lazy, not a very hard worker,

A well-known mindless labor shirker.

My family knows me as do my friends,

Never ask me to finish their odds and ends.

I met a person for the first time

And she said, at the drop of a dime:

“You’re that guy, the super lazy one!

You’re pretty famous under the sun.”

I didn’t mind that as it’s quite true.

And it made me likeable in her view.

But that still wasn’t the peak of my fame,

To be quite honest, that was still quite lame.

The peak, the zenith happened one slow day,

Breakfast time, my mind of hay.

I took an apple to start my early feast,

And it spoke up, it’s tongue now released.

“Oh you’re the lackadaisical Letharg of now!

I’m so out of words! I mean wow! Just wow!

I can peel myself to save you the trouble,

You can just stay there and stroke your stubble.

Just point me towards the peeling knife

I’ll do my best to enable your life.”

And so it did, with the knife not sharp

While whistling a tune that sounded like a harp.

As I thanked it quite confounded,

It said “no prob” and left me astounded.

It appreciated my lazy and helped me with haste.

And I just appreciated its sweet taste.