A humane tourist destination

There are rumors circulating that this started as a your mamma joke. There is a chance that the rumors might not be false.

 

An eating disorder was what she had,

It didn’t make her distressed or mad.

She would eat and eat, and combined with

A rare gene defect, thought to be a myth,

She would grow and grow, never to stop,

Until she was the town’s permanent backdrop.

The tourism board started thinking,

Par for the course, while heavily drinking.

She was declared a tourist destination,

The tourists ferried all the way from the bus station

To marvel at the world’s newly largest mammal.

Some even offered to buy her a pet camel.

She now has a steady stream of visitors and food,

The former of which only rarely rude.

All in all, things are okay,

Life goes on, as they say.

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Sawdust in the air

I was sawing some planks into pieces today, and this started playing in my head to the tune of Walking in the air, composed by Howard Blake.

 

Sawdust in the air

Floating in the clear, blue sky

My lungs are full of it, as well as are my eyes

 

I already lost my sight

And it burns like hell, it’s true

The sky, it now looks brown, for me not perfect blue

 

The fungi and the mold

Have found their brand new home in me

Took over everything, from forehead to my knee

 

I cough blood in the night and I scratch my eyes

My throat is dry, my sheets are red, a wonderful surprise

 

Sawdust in the air

My head feels so very light

The noises far away, the lamps always so bright

 

The doctors say, it’s too late, what happens now, we know

I don’t believe, this is real, it can’t be my time yet to go

 

Sawdust in the air

Floating in the clear, blue sky

Like the sawdust did for me, the clouds are passing by

The best in life

You know when you laugh so hard you can’t stop?

So hard that your lungs feel like they’re gonna pop,

Tears stream down your wobbling cheeks,

Down to your jaw in two wet streaks.

That feeling right there is what it’s about,

The reason why I live, there is no doubt.

Afterward it hurts and I’m gasping for air

I don’t even care that I fell off of my chair.

When the giggles die down and I settle down,

My mind is clear and my brow has a frown,

As I try not to think about what made me laugh,

Fail, and fall down like a newborn calf.

Rinse and repeat or half an hour or so,

The world is pure as with fresh, white snow.

 

This was caused by a YouTube video where a man reads out loud misspellings of the word pregnant for two minutes. The video title is “how is pragent formed”, if someone wants to cackle like a hyena.

 

Memories of my death

I can remember that I was held under

Long enough for my lungs to tear themselves asunder.

I can remember trying to fight back,

Without any breath, my body just a sack.

I can remember that I screamed and screamed,

Screamed so long I thought I dreamed

The time without screaming, the drowning and pain,

Screamed until I broke, I was no longer sane.

Then, if I’m right, I think I died,

I… I think I actually died.

If I died… Then am I a ghost?

Doomed to wander this bleak coast.

I remember my death. What now?

I can’t stay, I must move on? But how?

X-men powers

What would I do if I had x-men powers?

I wouldn’t hesitate or think for hours.

Cyclops’ laser eyes are handy for cooking,

No need for a stove, I’d just do some looking

And the onions would be sautéed to perfection,

Later to be eaten by objects of my affection.

Wolverine’s claws could open all the letters,

Persuasion +10 when chased by debtors.

Also, good for chopping up an onion

Chopping them cleanly, like trees with Paul Bunyan.

Being telepathic, like Professor X,

Could stop an international annex.

Also, I’d know if onions are ok to cook

For my guests without asking, just a quick look.

In summary I’d say, the powers would be pretty cool

All of them help polish that culinary jewel.

The TV doctor

I stumbled in the kitchen while chopping up leek,

Cut my thumb deep with my antique.

The blood started spurting like a happy fountain

My heart rate started climbing like it was hiking on a mountain.

No one around knew any first aid,

Everyone I showed it to just got afraid.

I panicked and yelled “Help! Somebody, help!”

The TV came to life, powered by my yelp.

It stopped the bleeding, sutured the wound

Gave me a lollipop before my fear ballooned.

I asked astounded “How’d you know what to do?”

It replied “Ten seasons of ER would make you a doctor too.”

Flying ban

I went to Australia and what did I see,

A snake being eaten by a gigantic bee.

This was in the airport five minutes in,

My movement could be described as a nope-nope-nope-spin.

I spun so fast back out of ‘stralia,

The airplane gyroscopes responded with a failure.

No plane working, everyone grounded,

The mechanics astounded, confused and dumbfounded.

They found I’m to blame with a Geiger counter

A classic case of the never-plane-mounter.

So I got a ban that lasts a until the day I die,

But my carbon footprint’d make Mr. Musk cry.