Space ship consultant

I’m a consultant, and I advise my clients

Who, often are, their own field’s giants.

This field, of course, is building space crafts.

Aliens consult me on building their rafts.

Once they wanted a human-like ship,

I told them what to add and which things to strip.

“This hyper drive is too clean to be ours,

It should radiate enough to turn weeds into flowers.

The structure is too strong and too visually pleasing,

More metal frames and AC-assisted freezing.

Why are the rooms of crew members the same?

We need differences to know who to blame.

Why do you even want to build it like humans?

A reality show? I hope it’s as good as Truman’s.”

Bug kisses

I woke up with a bug in my bed,

I didn’t get scared, I kissed it instead.

This rat-sized insect recoiled in horror,

Like an ugly skeleton-filled closet explorer.

Looked at me with disgust on its face,

Skittered around on the pillow with grace.

Accusing me with its compound eyes,

Reveals its wings and away it flies!

Being slobbered on is not entertaining,

By a giant in particular, it must feel like it’s raining.

And an ugly one to boot, wholly out of luck,

Disgusted little bug, it is, enveloped in muck.

Repulsion-fueled wings take it far away outside,

Where it rests and can’t believe. “I just almost died.”

Hellish incursion

A hellhole opened up in my basement.

A case of inter-dimensional misplacement.

It opened right on my exercise bike,

Which is why the demon with the bloody head spike,

Tripped over coming out and hurt his wrist.

Dimensional leap unsuccessful, is the gist.

He was supposed to be the vanguard of hell,

But as he got hurt, he got miffed as well.

Told his boss the realm is hostile in excess,

“It’s better to stay home and play DOTA and chess.”

So I guess me being untidy was good?

No hell-incursion in my neighborhood.

Icy beard

My beard ices up when it’s cold.

White as milk and hard as gold.

Why does this happen? Now I know.

It is because all the sprites of snow,

Also feel cold and want to melt and thaw.

Near my mouth, my gaping maw,

Is a bit warmer with the moist breeze.

A good place to sleep and try not to freeze.

When I step inside after going for a run,

The heat waves roll in one by one,

Wakes up the sprites and they fly away,

Leave their sleepy drool on my gray

And me wondering why my face is wet.

Was it so hot that it’s just sweat?

Childrens’ drawings

You know how children tend to draw a human?

Just a bit off but still with some acumen.

Torsoless forms with arms on the head,

When normally they’re on the trunk instead.

Objectively it’s wrong and missing one part,

(Much like some of postmodern art)

But from their viewpoint it’s just on the nose,

Just like the crucial body part list goes:

Face is the best, with the mouth and the eyes,

Source of kisses and good advice.

Then come the hands that hug and stroke,

Strong enough to lift me up into an oak.

Feet come last, the one that play much,

Kicking me the ball and swinging and such.

If it’s not on the list, then it won’t be drawn.

This makes sense when you’re still in your dawn.

Pool fishing

I don’t mind, I really, really don’t,

When you jump high and land on my boat.

Although, I think that it would finer

Landing on water like a liquid miner.

Landing on the boat can achify your head,

Make you woozy after the hour you’ve bled.

Of course, you could argue, that I’m at fault

For rowing my boat and deciding to halt

In the swimming pool right under the tower

From where people leap with great muscle power.

But if not here, then where would I fish?

The lake is too hot and too damp-ish,

The sea overrun by saltwater spiders,

Who, by the way, are not too keen on outsiders.

So, as you can see, this is my place.

Can you even hear me lying down on your face?

Repetitive tasks

Bowling or darts are repetitive tasks,

Just like downing glasses or flasks.

Finding the perfect way to do x,

Is the fragment that’s slightly complex.

Rotate my torso a bit to the left,

Right arm higher to weigh and heft.

Left big toe on that spot there,

Exactly three steps while holding in air.

A smooth swing parallel to the waxy floor,

8 pins down, sometimes more.

Very small changes till you hit ten,

Then onto spares and finding their Zen.

Patience and cheerfulness were and are the key

Of repetition, like chopping down a tree.