Woodillac

My shed is equipped with tools and power,

My secret, personal hickory tower.

I’m there more than unconscious in bed,

Creating with my hands is my mental bread.

Converting branches into spatulas and spoons,

Stumps into chairs with inlays of moons.

I listen to the wood, it tells me what to do,

Or at least gives me an opaque, grainy clue.

Sometimes simple, like a spatula from birch,

Or a bit harder, an oaken observatory perch.

This last project, though, it got me confused,

When racking my brain, I think it got bruised.

A car you can drive? Excuse me P. O. Wood?

Shouldn’t it be metal? I think it should.

But it couldn’t hurt, and I like the work,

Now I have a car but I’m going berserk.

I have to decide on how to name the bloody thing.

Woodillac? R.M.S. Teak-tanic. The Oax-wing?

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Gigantic cleaning

I got the inspiration for this while cleaning the house. I wonder how that happened…

 

A gigantic giant was cleaning his house,

(In my mind my hometown) and me just a louse.

He took a hoover, a jumbo jet long,

Hoovering the houses while singing his song

“Clean-thing cleans things till they’re good clean,

When things aren’t clean I get really mean.”

Not that clever, but gets to the point

Unlike some people we like to anoint…

Hoovered me in, me and my flat,

Sucked into the vortex, just like that.

Anticipating death in the darkness and the cold,

I was greeted by lamps quite functional but old.

The earlier round of people, giantly inhaled,

Had built a society that phoned and mailed.

My home landed right on the best real estate,

Right next to my I-thought-you’re-dead-best-mate.

As misfortunes go, I got pretty lucky,

After all, ho ho, it could’ve been more sucky.

Ser Round

The knights parley late on the bloody war’s eve,

Tactics discussions so we may live.

“We should arrange our very best troops,

In single-file lines, not just groups,

With a right angle after every triple-knight,

Half the angles left and half of them right.

That will cut through the enemies like butter,

Start in their guts a fearful little flutter.”

Said Ser Rated, a veteran of war,

Of two hundred battles, maybe even more.

“No, we start with me in the middle,

Keeping rhythm with my fiddle,

Every other knight exactly, no more,

Than twenty paces from me, I am the core.

Like the outline of the sun we march onwards,

Leaving the enemies’ bones for the birds.”

That was Ser Round, a bloody old hand.

He lives on his green, battle-won land.

“No no no, you’re all obsolete,

With my tactic, steel won’t cut meat.

I will spread my special little smoke,

With my wheelbarrow made of oak.

When our foe smells my little trick,

He’ll love us dearly, sure and quick.

No one will die, no one will suffer,

And we get their country for a buffer.”

Said Ser O’tonin, the wisest of the bunch.

He persuaded the king, that’s my hunch.

Altered names

I like people’s names and playing with them.

 

If there was an actor who knew magic,

By learning hard or by something tragic.

If he was known for his bare magic rage,

He would be called Nicholas Mage.

 

If there was an actor with a face like a wound,

To the injury world his face is attuned.

He would be covered in reds and blues.

I think his name would be Tom Bruise.

 

If there was an actor who was a great, big orca,

And lived his life off the coast of Majorca.

If you could hear his watery wail,

He should be called Christian whale.

 

If there was an actor who lived in legend,

If his life was almost imagined,

In the real world there’s only a fifth.

I think I’d just call him: Will Myth.

 

If there was a scientist who sold you goods.

Like towels and sheets and tasty, tasty foods.

If the selection in his shop made your eyes really sore,

He would’ve been called, the great Niels Store.

 

If there was a scientist who really loved sports,

If he dominated all tennis and basket courts,

If you fought him and got destroyed,

He’d be called Sigmund steroid.

 

If there was a scientist who carried people,

He’d take them home from the church’s steeple.

On his back you could sleep and discuss,

He’d be called Nicholas CoperniBus.

 

If there was a cool scientist who liked hijinks,

If he switched your pet cat with a lynx,

In the gag-committee he held the top rank.

He’d be called wily, old Max Prank.

 

If there was a leader who was never on time,

Being constantly late would be his crime.

Sometimes you’d wait an hour or eight.

He’d be called Alexander the Late.

 

If there was a leader who liked the cold,

He’d value snow quite more than gold.

He’d be a sucker for a winter-come teaser.

He’d be called Julius Freezer.

 

If there was a leader who always shone,

If his personal light would warm your bone,

If he was the most luminous fella,

He’d be called Nelson Candela.

 

If there was a leader who wanted to fly,

If the blue sky really made him sigh.

If he had feathers and to white he was drawn,

He’d be called Genghis Swan.

Country puns

Puns about countries, ain’t that fun.

Puns and countries mix quite well
And bad ones take you to a jail cell.

If you screw up your big dinner plan
You should go dine in Gaffeghanistan.

If you love rabbits, think they’re funny-a
You should go find them in Albunnya.

If you want cool pants to wear to the cafeteria
You should go get some in Al-Jean-ria.

If you want a door with decorations of flora
You should go find one in An-Doorra.

If you want your mind running free in Bacchanalia
You should go have fun in Au-Stray-lia.

If you want a farewell you can depend on
You should go say bye Azerbyejan.

If you don’t want to feel scorning sunburn-pain
You should go to rainy Bah-Rain.

If you regret a swimming contest loss
You should go practice in Bar-Bay-dos.

If you want to get a stronger lower limb
You should go and sweat in Belgym.

If you’re interested in life trivia
You should go experience Bo-Live-a.

If you want to roughen up your smooth derma
You should go toughen up in Burr-ma.

If you want to perch on the branch of an acacia
You should go imitate birds in Crow-atia.

If you like to cash some paper money of the public
You should go get rich in the Check-republic.

If you like the imagine the past-quark
You should go warp in time in Then-mark.

If you fancy geology as an idea
You should go dig around E-Stone-a.

If you like seeing fish’s hands even inland
You should go fish in warm Fin-land.

If you think a big mouth is for Wood’s Elijah
You should go and gawk at the people of Jaw-gia.

If you can’t wait to turn eighty
You should go age in Wait-i.

If your kindness is strong like a steel band
You should go spread it in Niceland.

If you are hesitant to be a taker
You should go acquire stuff in Ja-May-ca.

If you want to ask “Are you able to go ‘aha’?”
You should inquire in sunny Can-ya.

If you like to do frog-karate
You should go find a sensei in Ki-Ribbit-i.

If you want to meet a plantain-expert nun
You should go and learn in Le-banan.

If you want to find the lazer capital of asia
You should go and visit the well-lit Ma-Laser.

If you want to depart to see a magnolia
You should go an start off in Mon-Go-lia.

If you want to eat a whole stone-filled taco
You should go to rocky Mo-Rock-o.

If you want to marvel at other’s brawn
You should go wear goggles in Oh-Man.

If you like trousers made from Southern plants
You should go and procure some in Pakispants.

If you want to dance the rag-time ballet
You should go and boogie in Pa-Rag-uay.

If you want to enhance your mouth’s genes
You should go find a doctor in the Phi-Lip-pines.

If you want politeness in your European suburbia
You should go and learn from the people of Sir-bia.

If you want to find the best talky, carapaced gels
You should go and woo them in the sunny Say-Shells.

If you want your skin to be something to adore
You should go and treat it right in Singa-Pore.

If you want to find a cave with more candy than Eden
You should go and spelunk in underground Sweet-den.

If you want to find a cotton candy timberland
You should go and taste all the forests in Sweet-zerland.

If you want to learn a dance like the conga caravan
You should go and do the jig in Ta-Jig-istan.

If you want to find the country with the best mania
You should go be nuts in sunny Tan-Zany-a.

If you want a cravat but not on an island
You should go and find a tailor in Tie-land.

If you want to eat father’s tasty bread of sago
You should go and eat in Trini-Dad and To-Bagel.

If you want a door opener that’s not murky
You should go to bright, sunny Tur-Key.

If you want to be able to build a veranda
You should go to encouraging You-Can-Da.

If you want to rule the froggy food chain
You should go to amphibious U-Crane.

If you want a happy friend, not a sucker of lemon
You should go to heartening Yeah-Men!