Contract killer

“Let me take a drag beforehand to look cooler.”

 

I don’t work for cheap, that’s true.

But I get the job done, and done well too.

There’s an idea and it’d be good if it dies?

Arrange the payment and close your eyes.

How do I work? You don’t want to know

Just describe the target and cough up the dough.

It’s one of yours? Well that’s a first.

You want to live your passion, lifelong nursed,

Of traveling the world and painting with oil

To avoid the rat race and mind-numbing toil?

Alright, I see, this won’t take long.

Just kick back and relax, we can’t go wrong.

I will now come closer and whisper some words

They will kill the idea of being free as birds.

Listen closely and listen well, sonny:

“With this idea you can’t make money.”

Now it’s dead, put the payment in the pot

As agreed, 15 gummy bears, fresh and hot.

Have a nice life, son, and do come back

If you ever fall off the too-well-beaten track.

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Millionaire

No you won’t make a millionaire of me.

If I had all the money in the world, you’d see

I’d give it all away to so that I could be free.

No you won’t make a millionaire of me!

A good friend’s get rich quick scheme,

Almost got in the way of my lifelong dream.

I almost drowned in an endless money stream.

But I took a day off to make some home-made ice cream.

A lottery ticket I got from a friend

Would have been my perfect freedom’s end

But I put it in a book that I would lend

To the local politician on whom I could depend.

No you won’t make a millionaire of me.

Won’t make a millionaire of me,

You can try as you might, but you will see,

You won’t make a millionaire of me!

Petrified bee

In the book of Finnish mythology, there was a passage about an interesting good-luck charm. These might be difficult to find these days due to the lack of public hangings.

 

If a thief was hanged and the body slumped down,

Look under it, really look around.

If you find yourself a fresh petrified bee,

Take it quickly so no one can see.

It will bring luck so keep it close,

Put it in a box, keep it under your clothes,

Every now and then feed it blood or spit,

It’ll make you rich so don’t lose it.

The soul of the dead thief, much like the living,

Prefers taking to any kind of giving,

But as it’s now a part of you,

It’ll take from others and give you some too.

The petrified soul will make you wealthy,

If you keep it fed, content and healthy.

The CEO Song

I’m a CEO and I’m ok

I never sleep and I work all day!

“He’s a CEO and he’s ok,

He never sleeps and he works all day!”

 

I cut paychecks,

But raise mine first,

While doing some co-caine!

On workdays I go golfing,

Or get on my private plane!

“He cuts paychecks,

Raises his first,

While he does some co-caine!

On workdays he goes golfing,

Or gets on his very own plane!”

 

I’m a CEO and I’m ok

I never sleep and I work all day!

“He’s a CEO and he’s ok,

He never sleeps and he works all day!”

 

I jog and swim,

In camouflage,

I stalk children at night!

I take them from their families,

My alibi’s always tight!

“He jogs and swims,

In camouflage,

He stalks children at night?!

He takes them from their families,

His alibi’s always tight!”

 

I’m a CEO and I’m ok

I never sleep and I work all day!

“He’s a CEO and he’s ok,

He never sleeps and he works all day!”

 

I do what I want,

It’s just for my

Work-related stress!

I would go to prison,

If not for my success!

“He does what he wants,

It’s just for his,

Work-related stress!

He would go to prison,

If not for his success!

 

I’m a CEO and I’m ok

I never sleep and I work all day!

“He’s a CEO and he’s ok,

He never sleeps and he works all day!”

Back Scratching

I am an anthrop-orc-o-logist,

I study orcs in the vale of the mist.

I observed their use of their money,

Which, to us, might seem a bit too funny.

The currency of choice is the scratching of the back,

Their heads are perfect in keeping on track.

One meal is roughly a 20-minute scratch.

You can get an hour if you wrestle-win a match.

Food and gambling, services and goods,

Can be bought here at the back of the woods,

With some effort of the claw-related kind,

I find it brings me great peace of mind.

Unites the whole tribe with shows of affection,

Can’t be wireless, but quite close to perfection.