Opposites and kind-ofs

What’s the opposite of a phone conversation?

Sleeping in an abandoned, roofless train station.

(A moist mouth and a cold ear.)

What is exactly the same as giving a speech?

Bungee jumping into a tectonic breach.

(Some applause after wanting to disappear.)

What’s half as good as doing the dishes?

Licking them thoroughly according to your wishes.

(Plates are wet but not exactly clean.)

What’s half as bad as lying to a friend?

Lying to a priest that’s close to the end.

(It’s still a lie, but the truth remains unseen.)

What’s a bit like an uncomfortable hug?

Accidentally stepping on a super slimy bug,

(Icky, but not warm, nor with a person.)

What’s the opposite of sleeping when sick?

25/7 practice of a roundhouse kick.

(Not fun after a while, and your condition will worsen.)

What’s a bit like this poem right here?

Henry Van Dyke’s works, or those of Shakespeare.

(Composed of words, although mine don’t endear.)