Contract killer

“Let me take a drag beforehand to look cooler.”


I don’t work for cheap, that’s true.

But I get the job done, and done well too.

There’s an idea and it’d be good if it dies?

Arrange the payment and close your eyes.

How do I work? You don’t want to know

Just describe the target and cough up the dough.

It’s one of yours? Well that’s a first.

You want to live your passion, lifelong nursed,

Of traveling the world and painting with oil

To avoid the rat race and mind-numbing toil?

Alright, I see, this won’t take long.

Just kick back and relax, we can’t go wrong.

I will now come closer and whisper some words

They will kill the idea of being free as birds.

Listen closely and listen well, sonny:

“With this idea you can’t make money.”

Now it’s dead, put the payment in the pot

As agreed, 15 gummy bears, fresh and hot.

Have a nice life, son, and do come back

If you ever fall off the too-well-beaten track.


Hi-five my brain

Generally, treating one’s brain like a person when it comes to physical contact isn’t the smartest idea.


When I get a really good idea

Maybe about invading Crimea,

I want to high five my wit,

Instead slap my head with my mitt.


When my brain’s a retarded pigeon,

I mean a lot, not just a smidgen,

I want to punch it in the face,

Wind up bashing my brain case.


When my brain’s jokes make me applaud,

Just some few or a great big wad,

I want to pat it on the back,

Give the occiput a sturdy whack.


No matter what takes place,

A crap pile or something ace,

The brain’s the one liable,

What the body gets: unjustifiable.