X-men powers

What would I do if I had x-men powers?

I wouldn’t hesitate or think for hours.

Cyclops’ laser eyes are handy for cooking,

No need for a stove, I’d just do some looking

And the onions would be sautéed to perfection,

Later to be eaten by objects of my affection.

Wolverine’s claws could open all the letters,

Persuasion +10 when chased by debtors.

Also, good for chopping up an onion

Chopping them cleanly, like trees with Paul Bunyan.

Being telepathic, like Professor X,

Could stop an international annex.

Also, I’d know if onions are ok to cook

For my guests without asking, just a quick look.

In summary I’d say, the powers would be pretty cool

All of them help polish that culinary jewel.

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Portals

If I had portals, I’d never waste time

Bringing food with a fork to my mouth.

I’d hold one in my hand like a dime,

And one between my teeth to transport it down south.

Press my hand on the taters slowly,

To keep the tater-traffic in check,

Enjoy the sensation wholly

Without straining my sprained left peck.

If I attached one under my heel,

I could pick up stuff without stooping.

As an old man I wouldn’t have to kneel.

I could also have a butt for long distance pooping.

I guess you could use it for industry as well

Or transporting food to all the people in need.

But for me and my arm not moving’d be swell,

Outstandingly lazy, but swell indeed

Cloudberry jam

Cloudberries are difficult to pick, don’t taste as good as many others, but at least they give you something to do. They also have lots of names in English. I wouldn’t have thought that the term bakeapple refers to these small things.

 

Cloudberry jam is not too sweet

A good, old-fashioned chorish treat.

Taste is decent, and it gives you stuff to do:

Between your teeth, you have a queue

Of cloudberry seeds, waiting to go down,

Stuck in your maw just milling around.

If you ever want to clean your fangs,

You can use your nails or small boomerangs.

Floss is for those who don’t mess about,

And toothpicks, well, they make me pout,

Splintering in everywhichever way they will,

Hindering more than helping until

You have cloudberry seeds and a splinter

And chewing feels like diving in winter,

Prickly and you don’t want to persist;

Cloudberry jam, the Devil-kissed.

Fat and dusty

Once there was a pig,

Who grew from small to big,

By eating everything, I mean every single bit

He and his friends, they’d never quit.

He had a rule: You snooze you lose,

“If you stay hungry, you’re lazy!” he’d accuse.

His friends thought the same, that famous Fat Four,

They’d push and shove to get more and more.

One choked on a piece of bone he inhaled,

“Hah, he died, look at how he failed!”

A three-way struggle to see who’d win,

The pig learned a new trick, and with a grin,

Ate all the air and watched by while

The others suffocated and fell down in a pile.

“I guess it’s clear who the real winner’s.

One class better than all those beginners.

Oh my, the air here is getting a bit musty…”

And soon his body lay fat and dusty.

Eating dough

After you make the dough for a cake,

It’s time to clean the instruments for hygiene’s sake.

“I can lick them, don’t want to waste.

Don’t you worry, I like this taste.”

One cake ovened, second on the way,

Soon time to clean. “I can if I may.

I can keep on licking till my tongue falls off,

You just take care of the sweetness in the trough.

I can’t wait for the cake, I admit,

But as long as I’m waiting, I’ll just lick it.”

A three-fourth hour later the cake is done,

“Do I want a bite? I think I’ll have… none.

I guess I licked more than I could handle,

And I can’t eat any cake. What a scandal!”

Not only one drop

If it rains, you don’t blame one drop,

Of making you wet like a submerged mop.

You blame the clouds and condensation,

The collective effort of cloud-salivation.

If you eat rice and start feeling full,

It’s not one kernel doing the pull.

One spoonful arrived after another,

Making your gut feel the hug of a mother.

If you read a poem and the rhymes don’t work,

The first one will just make you smirk,

Next ones in very rapid succession,

Might create well-warranted aggression.

If politicians are stupid… You know where I’m going.

The big picture is always what keeps it flowing.

Doesn’t matter if getting wet or irritated,

One cause is rarely enough to get inflated.

Eating a carrot (or a banana)

There’s a fun thing that you can parrot

And it is related to eating a carrot.

You know how carrots have the core and the rest?

(Everyone knows that the core tastes the best.)

You can first finish the orange outer layer,

Then you’re left with the carrot town mayor.

Usually the core is brighter and better.

If you save it for last, you’re a proper go-getter.

There’s another fun thing when eating fruit,

The curvy yellow ones can be turned cute.

It has three wedges known to a cook.

Shaped like sectors from your old math book.

Separate them and you have three strips,

Geometrical bananas if you use your lips.

I don’t know of any other food,

That can become neat if you’re just shrewd.

If you know some, can you share?

I’ll be sure to try with deliberate care.